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One Million Years B.C.

It's a Harryhausen film! It's also a Hammer film!!! What does that mean? Well, it can mean whatever you want. I thought it was the worst Harryhausen film I've ever seen, though.

We begin with some darkness and narration as the earth is formed. The producers/director seem to prescribe to the "Big Bang" theory, although the term evolution is cleverly avoided. Then you see some credits with a stupid warning that says (paraphrased) "characters/events are fictitious and any resemblance to real characters/events are coincidental." HA HA HA!!!

Most of the movie has no talking in it because we focus on two bands of cavemen and they don't know how to say much. The hero is Tumak (John Richardson (I)) from the dark-haired clan. They're a bunch of jerks who leave the weak to die and who fight over their food like wild dogs. 

Tumak ends up getting thrown out of his clan because he resists the ugly chief when the chief tries to take Tumak's food. Eventually, after Tumak wanders about in a desert and over tough terrain, he collapses near the sea and is found by a bunch of scantily clad female warriors.  Loana (Raquel Welch) falls for the goof and his oafish ways, much to the annoyance of one of the other cavemen in her clan. (Oh, this group of people are all light-haired...what a clever way to tell them apart!) 

This clan cares about everyone in it's group. They help one another and share. Eventually, Tumak fights with one of the men in the cave and leaves, with Loana following. They return to his old clan and he teaches them some of the light-haired ones' ways. A jerk named Sakana (Percy Herbert) leaves with half the guys to make a rival clan. (He tried to kill the chief earlier in the film...and failed...the chief came back, uglier than ever)

Anyway, there's some fighting at the end with the jerk-squad and Tumak and the light-haired people. Then most everyone gets hurt or dead when the volcano blows and the earth shifts. The last 5-10 minutes show the remaining people wandering around in an oddly-tinted lens. 'Nuff said.

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Another dumb dino flick. That's all this is. If you know a bunch of dino-freaks and like good looking chicks in furry outfits, then this is the movie for you! Why? Because it's great fun to make fun of all the dumb stuff in it! If you don't have friends, don't get it. Even if you do have 'em, I don't recommend this stinker...it'll kill your friendships faster than a comet speeds through the vast reaches of space.

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