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Van Helsing

Synopsis:

Van Helsing is a crusader against the critters that go bump-in-the-night. He works for a non-denominational religious group which seems to include all the major religions in the world. Van Helsing is assigned to go after Count Dracula and kill him before he kills off the Valerious line, which is a family that has loyally whomped evil creatures throughout generations.

Helsing takes a squire named Carl with him to Transylvania and is greeted by a host of grumpy townspeople. Soon he is introduced to his first vampire. 

The Review:

I went into this movie with wariness. I had been burned by thinking too much of Hellboy when I went to it. However, Van Helsing ended up being all I expected and more. It is a hokey horror / action movie tailor-made for eating popcorn

We meet Van Helsing looking over a dead body and tracking the perp to a church's loft. The perp in this case is Mr. Hyde. Hyde is completely computer-generated, but he looks pretty cool nonetheless. When Hyde is jumping around and swinging, he looks pretty fake, but the fight scene that ensues when Helsing tries to capture Hyde is well executed. 

Soon after that, Helsing goes to his secret base and meets up with Carl, his gadget guy, ala 'Q' from James Bond. Helsing is told he has to take down Dracula before that vampire kills off a family of people that do the same thing as Van Helsing; namely, killing beasts. There is only one left in the family and she's named Anna Valerious. Her brother was recently killed by a werewolf knocking him and itself into a river (a scene which we get to see) and she doesn't greet Helsing with open arms when he finally arrives there.

They promptly get attacked by Dracula's wives at this point. They look like harpies. Basically, they're bat humanoids that can morph at will between bodacious babes and the fairly ugly harpy. The harpies are after Anna and it's pretty intense. Of course, they throw in a little camp by having one of the bat's miss its target and end up carrying a cow off. Cow tipping is always a funny thing and this is the closest I've ever seen it actually done. They messed this up though by tossing the cow through a window rather than tipping it. Oh well.

Van Helsing ends up killing one of the wives by shooting her full of arrows that were dipped in holy water. Watching her age rapidly and turn to dust wasn't the prettiest site I've ever seen, but I've seen that thing enough times in other movies for it not to bother me much. 

We learn that Dracula has a werewolf at his command and that that werewolf is Anna's brother. Shocking! He didn't die!!! Eventually he has an untimely end as well and it's in a river too. Is this some kind of weird allusion to vampires being killed by running water? I do not know, but I think there has to be a significance of some sort!

It seems Dracula has been pretty horny with his wives for the last 300-400 years. They have lots of human-sized slimy-looking bags with dead children hanging around. (Now think about this: Did they come out in those bags? Wouldn't that be painful? If not, how were they made!?!) Dracula wants to use Frankenstein's monster to awaken his brood, but unfortunately, they died in one of the first scenes in the movie. So he's been experimenting with other people.

I have a problem with this whole concept. Why would running volts through anything, be it the Monster or a werewolf or whatever, have any effect on the dead? Why is it that two dead creatures can even have children? And if dead cells can reproduce, why are they also born dead and not undead, so to speak? What even makes Dracula think that running electricity through something else well awaken the dead when Frankenstein's monster was dead to begin with? Finally, why are these baby's more bat then human?

Back to the movie. Now we know Dracula's intentions. Thus, we also quickly find out that he needs Franky. Of course, this means that Van Helsing and Anna will have to accidentally find him, which they do with alacrity. Helsing decides to take Franky to his base to keep the monster safe and on the way, they're attacked by Drac's wives and Anna's bro. Anna gets kidnapped, her bro dies, and everything goes bad. 

Van Helsing manages to save Anna, but he loses the Monster to Dracula's clutches. Now they have to figure out where Dracula's secret hideout is. It should be mentioned here that Helsing got bit by the werewolf in that last fight and we all know what that means!!!

In finding the way to Dracula's lair, they also discover how to kill him. You see, no one knew how to kill Dracula before that. The key is that Dracula needs to be bitten by a werewolf. Now I was just thinking about this and it doesn't make sense. Dracula is the only vampire that requires this. His wives got killed in other ways and so did some other vampires. So, if a werewolf is the only way to kill Dracula and he's never been killed before now, how did anyone know that, including ol' Drac? What the stink!?!? Dracula himself had a cure for Werewolves to protect himself...which is how Helsing is saved from being one for the rest of his life. Convenient, no?

Anyway, I'll let you dwell on that. The final fight scene is pretty good, in my opinion. It's quite fast, so you'll miss a lot of stuff that would have probably been cooler had it been slower. It really doesn't matter though.

The Good Stuff:

The Bad Stuff:

Overall, I thought this was a well-paced action-horror flick. I was never bored and the gore was never too gross or over-the-top for me. It's definitely NOT recommended for younger viewers though. The violence is beyond what a young 'un should see.

If you enjoy horror or action flicks, or if you just have thing for Jackman, then I think this movie will satisfy you. Just remember that it's a little on the hokey side.

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